March 17, 2020

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Boris is on the telly, looking like a guilty, bemused, tousle-haired schoolboy, doing his “We will fight them on the beaches….” speech. Don’t be fooled, he despises you, unless you are posher than his dad.

I could tell what he was thinking… “Yep, that’s you lot all completely fucked…” “Soon be back to doffing caps and third-class carriages on the trains, bloody Northern oiks….Good stuff……”

He’ll be alright – a dozen Hazmat suits hanging in the wardrobe, one for every possible occasion. Shares bought in the vaccine company just before it goes public. Available exclusively in London first, of course.

Now he’s just suggested not going to the pub. Unbelievable. Who “suggests” to any self-respecting British bloke that he should not go to the pub. Removing his divine right. What a complete Fuckwit. He should have legislated and shut the pubs instantly. But no, not with St Patrick’s day looming, there’s always a lot of sticky mess and money on St Patrick’s day. And loads of those stupid green hats, that really annoys me. Probably wait till after Mothers Day too, another good earner, gin-soaked lush sat in the corner with a bunch of flowers, off-spring in attendance, sneezing everywhere.

I’m a born again ex-drinker with a 40 year bitter (well usually Stella or any continental lager at 6% did me) experience under my belt. I feel highly qualified to make comment. I came to realise, following abstinence, that pubs were devilishly unhealthy, badly ventilated, grimy, smelly, with a hardcore of regular customers propping up the bar and exhaling into your pint, spitting in your eye, all with more ailments than Porton Down could throw at you. Pub friends, but that’s another story. After my very long service at the bar I was left with high blood pressure and diabetes. All self-inflicted. I could bore you shitless for hours on the demon drink.

My mate Belly Belly doesn’t give a fuck. He drinks with Shoebox and is as tall lying down as standing up. He’ll go on forever no doubt, defying all medical predictions. Shoebox is virus-proof. Anything smaller than a gnat is instantly pickled if it gets too close, ingested or bites.

I don’t really miss drinking. There are now a lot more hours in the day and I’m far healthier than I have been for years, not to mention having more cash to squander on guitars.

Of course, we’ll not dwell on Cheltenham Races – Jolly day out. Definitely some mighty royal backhander going on there. 60 000 + people all coughing on the bookies. The Seriously Minted are not to be upset or rattled. Good old Boris. Might backfire – a lot of his racing voters could be dead.

There’s some sort of unspoken tactic. Government’s done the maths. Get rid of the old and infirm, the diabetics maybe, they generally produce zip and cost the Nation to keep running. A bit like Ford and the old exploding Ford Pinto petrol tank versus damages payout for a horrific-death-type-calculation – Google that one if you’ve never heard of it. Yes, it’s in America….

It’s reassuring to see Government have put their top minds on the crisis. Car factories ordered to make ventilators, just email Boris if you want to quote for the work. In fact, I think it said tweet Boris, how very professional.

Something like – “Oi Jack, put that piston ring down and get over ‘ere. Wipe the oil off your bleeding’ mitts and build that soddin’ ventilator” “How do I know? That bit’s supposed to suck. Look in the box and read the fucking instructions, Jesus…..”

I’m no manufacturing expert but said ventilator will typically be assembled from a multitude of high-tech out-sourced parts, from multiple countries in lock-down, fabricated on some purpose-built jig, involving a CAD package and specialist one-off machinery. It will require commissioning by a skilled operator. Just like the ventilator factory is similarly not equipped to bang out a spot welded car body shell at anything remotely approaching six months notice. I’d also guess ventilators are most probably chock full of electronics, pcb upon pcb, more chips than you can imagine.

I can, however, imagine where all those pcbs and chips are made – that will be China……

The price of gold is rising. Always a sure indicator that we are in deep shit. I can confidentially advise that used and vintage guitars are on the up too and in short supply. So if you have several weeks of isolation ahead, just relax, sell all your gold, play lots of guitar and wait till it all blows over – which it won’t…….

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